an attempt to field a rhino candidate in the yukon  in the '04 general federal election was beaten down when we could not find an accountant to sign on as official auditor. that is a matter that will be addressed in our charter challeng.

here, for your entertainment, is what stupid election act requirements prevented yukoners from supporting: 

South of 60 head tax

Most importantly, we want more money from Ottawa. When elected, BIG Len Cajones will go to Ottawa and demand that a head tax of $10 per year be imposed on all Canadians who live south of 60. That money will be given to Yukoners. That comes to $1000 per Yukoner. Per year (subject to a BIG Len Cajones service charge, of course). Yeah, yeah, we know – that ain’t much, almost nothing compared to what the Quebecois manage to drain out of Ottawa - but stick with us a while, we’ll come up with more for you all.

Temporary name change

As you are all painfully aware, the federal government was recently caught stealing $250 million of tax payers’ money. The Liberals gave that money to a few of their friends, primarily the Quebec-based advertising firm Group Action. We Rhinos are wily creatures and we have learned much from studying this sorry, sordid affair. So, when you elect BIG Len Cajones, he will immediately change the name of this beautiful piece of Canada from Yukon to Group Action and invoice the federal government for $250 million dollars and disperse that money to all Yukoners (after subtracting a handsome BIG Len Cajones service charge, of course). Once the remaining $12,000 has been disbursed, we will change the name back to Yukon.

Rhinos will bring hippos to Yukon

Tourism has become an important sector within the Yukon economy, perhaps the most important. But we still need to attract more tourists. Fortunately for all of you, we have come up with an highly imaginative, fool-proof idea to attract more of those frisbee-eyed, fat-walleted Winnebego warriors.

The key to this cunning Rhino ploy lies with cutting-edge reproductive technology. When elected, BIG Len Cajones will procure the necessary funds from Ottawa to clone exotic animals. These animals - elephants, walrusses, giraffes, tigers, penguins, monkeys, kangaroos etc. etc. - will be turned loose in the Yukon. Hippos and alligators in the Yukon River

Since they will be genetically engineered to our specific requirements, all these animals will live completely on a diet of popcorn, which will be fed to them by the hordes of tourists that will flock to the Yukon to marvel at this beastial cornucopia. You will sell all that popcorn to the tourists at the rate of $10 US per bag. The BIG Len Cajones popcorn factory will be happy to sell you its patented Yukon “Wild Animal” popcorn for the low low price of $5 US per bag.

Eventually, we will figure out a way to genetically engineer tourists who will also live completely on a diet of Yukon Bloated Tourist popcorn, allowing us to continue to milk them for their greenbacks long after they have left the land of the midnight sun.   

The Yukon “Wild Animal” tourism program will also allow us to answer that age-old question – can a polar bear kick a lion’s ass? 3 times a day, in the streets of every town in the Yukon, genetically engineered polar bears will square off against lions, tigers will take on grizzlies, kangaroos will climb into the squared ring with moose.

Welcome to the f*#kin’ Yukon

Free Viagra for tourists – hey, we don’t call it the f*#kin Yukon for nothing. When we get around to making  genetically engineered tourists, we’ll make sure all the males are impotent and then give them free tickets to the Frantic Follies. Painfully aroused and hopelessly frustrated, they will pay damn near anything to get their hands of a couple patented BIG Len Cajones Sexually-Frustrated Tourist Viagra.

Fresh air pipeline

Your Rhino representative in Ottawa promises to build a fresh air pipeline to smog-congested southern cities like Los Angeles, Trawna, New Yawk and Mexico City.

The Yukon Mounted Police

The Rhinos promise to sever our contract with the RCMP and create the Yukon Mounted Police. The YMP will be empowered to travel south of 60 and arrest and fine anyone in violation of any absurd, idiotic law we can come up with and send all the money home to the Yukon.

How did all our oil get under their wheat fields?

Oil rigs will be erected in Watson Lake. Holes will be drilled diagonally until we can pump all the oil we need from underneath Alberta. It’s only right – Albertans have so much and we are but a poor, poor people.

Yukon 2010 Winter Olympics

Any Canadian who has lived in Vancouver knows that Vancouver is not part of Canada. If you cannot play hockey on real, outdoor ice in the middle of January, you are not in Canada. It doesn’t even snow there. How can you have the Winter Olympics in a city where it doesn’t even snow? That’s dumb. When did the International Olympic Committee move to Ottawa? The Yukon Rhinos promise to kick Vancouver out of Canada until such time as you can play hockey at the corner of Granville and Robson on real ice, in the middle of January. Since that will never happen, the 2010 Olympics will have to be moved to the Yukon, where they belong.

Introducing the Yukon Polar Bears

After Vancouver has been kicked out of Canada, the Vancouver Canucks will be brought to the Yukon – at Ottawa’s expense – and be renamed the Yukon Polar Bears. Uniforms will be white on white and all players will have to wear polar bear masks.

Aurora Borealis is Latin for flying saucer headlights

Let’s face it, tourists are a little on the naïve side. They’ll believe damn near anything. So, if we were to tell them that the Northern Lights are actually the headlights of flying saucers piloted by aliens who are looking for intelligent life on this planet, they’ll believe us. And that will allow us to sell them self-guided over-the-horizon tours to see the spaceships. Should the flying saucer headlights disappear before the tourists can see the flying saucers, we can simply point out that  the aliens probably couldn’t find what they were looking for and went home. Advertise the tours on the Art Bell radio show and we’ll be overrun by what Bugs Bunny would call gull-a-bulls.

Husky cheese

What? What are you laughing about? Soon to be a sought-after delicacy. Hey, if the Japanese can manage to get the whole world hooked on eating raw fish what makes you think we can’t get them hooked on husky cheese?

For every $100 spent on groceries, Yukoners will receive a half wolf/half husky, while supplies last, to help get this cottage industry started.

Rhino Defense Policy

In case you haven’t noticed yet, Rhinos are primarily offensive animals. We have, however, come up with a few ideas to mollify those of you who are worried about Canada being overrun by Visigoths, Vikings, Mongol Warlords, Godless communists, crazy tairists or even Mairkans.

Giggles the Happy Bomb

We don’t understand why more countries haven’t developed nuclear weapons. The technology is not that difficult. Canada has been capable of building our own nuclear force since the 50s. For myriad reasons, we have chosen not to do so but the time has come.

The world is a very dangerous place. More so every day. Chock full of violent, paranoid homicidal and suicidal lunatics – and they’re not all in Yellowknife anymore.

We could spend trillions and gazillions of dollars on defense and still not be protected enough for some Canadians (and then where would the Liberals find money to pilfer and give to their friends in Quebec?). But there is a better, cheaper solution: Giggles the Happy Bomb.

Giggles is a one gigaton nuclear bomb. To put that in perspective, Little Boy, the bomb that destroyed Hiroshima, was approximately 15 kilotons. There are 1000 kilotons in a megaton. There are 1000 megatons in a gigaton. Therefore, Giggles is close to 75,000 times BIGger than Little Boy.

The beauty of Giggles is that she is so BIG we don’t even have to build a delivery system for her – no bombers, no missiles. We just let the world know Giggles is on our side and they better think long and hard before they mess with us because, if we pull the pin, the whole world is going up in a puff of radioactive dust. If they think we’re bluffing, we’ll send Don Cherry to tell them how it is. 

The Kiprusoff solution

Once again, the Rhinos turn to weird dudes in the lab coats with all the pens and clipboards and that high tech thig-a-ma-jiggy kinds of thing to help us overcome our collective paranoid delusions about monsters under the bed. And, once again, the answer involves cloning. But this time were talking about cloning humans.

Calgary Flames wunderkind goalie Mikka Kiprusoff will be cloned and these clones will be placed in strategic locations around the country. Why? Because, as every real Canadian knows, a strong defense isn’t worth a damn unless you’ve got great goaltending.

Government corruption linked to New World Order

There is a growing but already significant body of circumstantial evidence that leads many people to believe the world is being controlled by shape-shifting lizards from the 4^th dimension. The very interesting and completely plausible theory suggests that the lizards thrive on negative energy and this is why their underlings and aparatchiks in public office do so many things to piss us off. This all sounds perfectly reasonable to us and that is why the Rhinos demand that legislation be passed that makes it mandatory for anyone involved in politics to submit to a DNA test to prove they are not lizards.

Land Claims

Poker, anyone

There has been a lot of foot dragging going on when it comes to the important issue of native land claims. There can be no doubt that this is the work of those damned lawyers again. They’re racking up the billable hours, which is holding up the economic boom that we are on the precipice of. So, in order to expedite the process, BIG Len Cajones pledges that he will, within six months of being elected, arrange a very high-stakes poker between Yukon native elders and Queen Elizardbeth II, who claims to own this land, or, perhaps that nacy-boy son of hers.

Should the royal reptiles attempt to drag this poker game out for their own lizard reasons, the Rhinos will immediately divide the Yukon map into a checkerboard pattern and commence with dealing blackjack to the parties to the dispute.

 Health Care

That’s Doctor BIG Len, ma’am

Many claim that health care is the number one matter of import in this not very important, or even necessary, election. The debate over heath care will drone on and on, forever and ever and, as is almost always the case, nothing will be done. That is, unless you elect BIG Ban Cajones.

It is a little known fact that BIG Len is a medical doctor (University of Carmacks, class of May). Now, in order for us to understand the health care issues that are facing Yukoners, Dr. BIG Len Cajones is committed to thoroughly examining all female Yukon citizens.

Let me try

In his effortto win the riding of Vancouver-Mount Peasant during the 2001 BC provincial election, Rhino Party visionary Liar Liar pointed out that the reason health care is so expensive is that doctors charge so much. But there are plenty of very talented people who would love to take a shot at performing surgery. Tatoo artrists, caligraphers, heavy duty mechanics and needle pointers all have incredible hand dexterity and the Yukon Rhinos would like to pay tribute to the genius of Liar Liar by affirming that we will let anyone who wants to attempt surgery at least opportunity to prove their talents – thank you Liar Liar, keep the faith brother, we truly hope you make parole in 2037.  

BIG Pagan F*#k Fest

Northern European countries that are far less sexually repressed than Canada understand that value of the human orgasm to the health of that human being. Finland, for example, has long had a program that allows Finns, who otherwise can’t get laid, to attend a sex camp where they are serviced by professionals. Similar to the Finns, the Dutch pay to have patients in mental institutes and group homes serviced by highly skilled professionals, partially as a way to reward good behaviour and deter bad.

Like our northern cousins, the Yukon Rhinos understand the health value of getting laid. That is why BIG Len Cajones pledges to demand that Ottawa pay to have BIG city pros flown in to service the less sexually fortunate Yukoners on a regular basis. Twice a year, on the solstices, Yukoners who apply and are willing to have their appear in the Yukon News and Whitehorse Star, will be treated to the charms of a cornucopia of sexual servants of both sexes during BIG Pagan F*#k Fest.

Non-Yukoners will be allowed to participate in BIG Pagan F*#k Fest as part of a tourism

promotion known as Do the Yukon, but they will have to pay full rate.

Miscellaneous and sundry, flotsam and jetsam, neither here nor there but definitely not purely gratuitous

Igloo parliament

In order to prove that it truly does love us, the Parliament of Canada will have to convene for one day a year, in a giant igloo, somewhere in the Yukon. The date shall be February 20, in order to coincide with the BIG Pagan F*#k Fest. Having finally had an opportunity to watch our elected representatives in action, up-close-and-personal like, we are confident that many of you will be willing to select an MP as your partner for BIG Pagan F*#k Fest, allowing you the chance to screw them for a change.

Hot day? Cold beer!

All flag girls at highway construction sites must have cold beer for sale. Only products brewed in the Yukon shall be made available to thirsty road warriors. If you are delayed for more than five minutes, you drink for free. This painfully obvious but here-to-fore overlooked idea will serve two secondary purposes – help offset the expense of road maintenance, assuming you get through in under five minutes, or provide an incentive for highway workers to shake it, as the cost of all free beer will be deducted from their cheques.

Directive from Rank Minister Ken

Beginning January 1, 2005, all Yukoners will be assigned a rank. Just as in the military, subordinates will have to salute their superiors or face disciplinary measures. In keeping with our egalitarian nature, ranks will be changed monthly.

Dance those winter blues away

In an effort to recreate the alluring, fun-filled ambience of BIG city night clubs, a giant disco ball will rotate over the Yukon every day after sundown. Disco classics will blare long into the long, long nights giving all Yukoners the chance shake the mind-numbing, soul-destroying tyranny of winter.